Movie Review – Battlefield Earth

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Knowing what worst writers we are being, The Rod was nice enough to invite me and my frenemesis Saint Pauly [St Pauly’s article is coming up later today – Ed.] to contribute to this year’s Worst Film Week. Saint Pauly and I decided to pick up the gauntlet and look at it and wonder what a gauntlet was and then throw it in the bushes. Then we decided to challenge each other to find The Worst Movie Ever.

Here is my contribution. I think it’s obvious who the winner of the losers are.

Ramblings: Star Whores

Final Proof: 1

You know how you get drunk with a 5-year-old? He drinks spiked apple juice and draws with crayons gripped in his pudgy fist even if he isn’t  that good of a drawer to begin with because he’s  5 and good at different things like recess, but he’s drunk and the picture sucks and the idea is the same crap idea every toddler has except poorly executed and while he draws he hits his second bottle and babbles on about dinosaurs and people and monsters and it makes no kind of sense, but he gets so into it he starts screaming at you and now you understand why the minimum drinking age is 21 and why kids’ stories aren’t novelized and why their pictures aren’t made. Too bad the same patronizing dismissal wasn’t made of Battlefield Earth.

At first i didn’t get this movie at all because, you know me (and if you don’t then believe the hype), i’m as bright as Snooki in a Black Hole. It took me ¾’s of the movie to realize this whole movie was a parable of Scientology.  For example, there is nothing at all even remotely redeemable about this movie. Just like Scientology! And the Evil Alien Race is known as Psychlos, which is very close to “psychos”, which is a synonym for…Scientology! More proof? Who plays the Head Evil Alien Psychlo? John Travolta! A Scientologist!

Seen from this angle, the movie is still total crap. The directing pales in comparison to Road Runner cartoons, the sets came from the original Batman TV show, the acting reeks of Power Ranger Theater, the film is scripted by a roomful of monkeys high on skank marijuana with a storyline badly copied from the Tim Burton Planet of the Apes, costumes by GI Joe paper dolls, and makeup by preteen boys with shoplifted Wall-mart cosmetics. Still, if you understand all of this is a reflection of Scientology, then you can at least have a good laugh finding out what it’s like to watch hard sects.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

You know how i know Travolta is a sick bastard? He made his wife act in this disastrous movie…and he made us us watch.

Drink: 0 Shots

The only drinking in this movie is the drinking you’ll wish you’d done beforehand to numb you up or pass you out for the duration of this chainsaw root canal.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

The action was all downhill, literally, because director Roger Christian decided to film every scene at an angle. Roger Ebert said it close to better than me when he said

The director, Roger Christian, has learned from better films that directors sometimes tilt their cameras, but he has not learned why.

And the soundtrack? The music sounds like a guitar being bludgeoned to death. By a bass drum. In a bathroom stall. In Hell.

Bottom Line

If you’re one of those who likes to say “There is no way that could happen…” during a movie, this is the one for you. Also, if you’re one of those who likes to say, “This movie sucks.”

Who wrote this?

Al K Hall

Al K Hall is like a prize-fighter who won’t go down gracefully. He owns and operates a tiny establishment somewhere in Yeaman (don’t believe me? Google it and find out) known as The Bar None, where he rambles, reviews, and responds to ripostes from drunken, inebriated individuals looking to capitalize on his good nature. Al can be found also hanging about the offices of Fernby Films from time to time because it’s a great place to sober up!

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